Self Compassion

Self Compassion


To survive in this high pressured, crazy world most of us have to become highly adept at self-criticism. We learn how to tell ourselves off for our failures and for not working hard or smart enough. But so good are we at this that we’re sometimes in danger of falling prey to an excessive form of self-criticism What we might call self-flagellation a rather dangerous state which just ushers in depression and under-performance. We might simply lose the will to get out of bed. For those moments, we need a corrective. We need to carve out time for an emotional state of which many of us are profoundly suspicious. Self-compassion. We’re suspicious because that sounds horribly close to self-pity But because depression and self-hatred are serious enemies of a good life, we need to appreciate the role of self-care in a good, ambitious and fruitful life. To this end we can perform what we’ve called a, “self-compassion exercise” A structured meditation, lasting 15 minutes or so Lying in bed, or perhaps a bath Turn over a sequence of thoughts that interrupt and correct the flow of your worse self-accusations. For a time adopt an entire kindly perspective on your setbacks The self compassion exercise goes like this: We’re so in love with success we fail to notice the scale of the challenges we routinely set ourselves. There is nothing remotely normal about what we’ve tried to achieve. We’ve failed, but given the mountain we were trying to climb, the conclusion doesn’t have to be that we’re simply flawless. We have tricky family histories, we all do. There were things which happened to us at the hands of others which can help to explain some of our current troubles. We’re not entirely sane or well, but none of us are. We weren’t well set up to carry out certain tasks It isn’t wholly our fault in the here and now. From the media, you’d think everyone was rich and famous and successful. But in reality, undramatic, quiet failure is by a huge margin the statistical norm. We shouldn’t tear ourselves apart for not managing to be to what were in truth, awesome odds. Tough, self-critical people don’t allow themselves the indulgence of believing in luck. They take responsibility for everything. They think winners make their own luck But they don’t for the most part. Luck is a genuine feature of existence We’re robbing ourselves of fair concilation By believing that we’re entirely in control, and therefore entirely to blame when we crash. You are not only your achievements. Status and material success are one bit of you. But there are others as well, those who loved you in childhood knew this, and in their best moments helped you to feel it. Rehearse the internalized voices of all those who have been kind to you. Bathe in the memory of a laugh independent of achievement. It seems it will never end That’s not the truth It’s just how a crisis feels. You need to reduce expectations to zero for a time. Take each new hour as it comes, and without being banal, what you need most of all, is some rest.

100 comments

  1. There's some nice advice in this video. I would add that just consciously telling ourselves some of these things sometimes isn't enough to actually change our beliefs.

    Saying affirmations to ourselves like "I'm not only my achievements" or "I'm loved" might be helpful, but sometimes we also have unconscious learnings that we need to discover and unlearn first, before we can really believe some of that stuff.

    Good therapy includes working with what's unconscious, so we can really adopt new beliefs that serve us better. But this is definitely some nice general advice.

    James james-cormack.com

  2. I liked this all except the last. Sure it will pass but another will take its place. How is that any consolation? Life can sometimes be one hardship after another, sometimes unbearably so.

  3. Why then are those good people of our childhood days out of sight? Surely that is a problem area.They defined and moulded who you are in the first place. Later on many others came along, and then the first group went missing. Even their letters gifts photographs. All stolen.

  4. For those of us who cannot bathe in the memory of love independent (or even dependent) on the memory of achievement, this is a very tough road. Some of us did not have nurturing attuned care givers. This is where my therapist has been helping re-parent me.

  5. Yea this is me, I really do not like myself. I have tried and I'm not a bad person. I just ALWAYS feel like I should be doing more, even if I'm overwhelmed already. If I get 5 A's I should have gotten 7 or I lose 2lbs, I certainly should have done 5lbs or 6lbs. Neverending cycle of self hate

  6. What's with the ducking noises? What's the point of soothing narrative if you are making fun of it by those disturbing noises

  7. This is an extremely excellent animation with excellent sound design. Remember these names:
    Directed by Joe Bichard

    Music and Sound by Skillbard

    Additional Voice Talent by Sophie Koko Gate

    Additional Animation by Joe Sparrow

  8. Last number is no excuses!
    Create a better life by yourself without giving up on the right things and value the small things.

  9. You don't really need to watch the whole video. Skip to 4:09 and you will know how compassion you could be to yourself.

  10. the duck seems like is her only friend ,and is so hilarious keeping her company even on climbing the mountain haha 🙂

  11. I loved the transition sounds. To hell with people who didn't like them. I am sure many loved them and you should continue adding more of such transition sounds in your future videos.

  12. 3:28 "rehearse the internalised voices of all those who've been kind to you".
    see, that's the problem. who do you think taught me self-hatred?

  13. Self-pity has a bad reputation, but consider an opposite: self-pitilessness. That's mighty cruel and doesn't smack of healthy attitude either. Compassion's better in any case, but pity's not so terrible, whatever the target.

  14. I just moved out of my parent's house to a big city for college. It's been a hard week, but this video somehow gave me some perspective. All the feelings I'm experiencing are normal, I just need to take it easy.

  15. This is hard to listen to as the background animation noise is not so ‘background’. Im not ‘watching’ the segment, only listening. And it’s intrusive.

  16. I just noticed this now, this channel puts subtitles in so many languages to reach more people. This is incredible.

    The content of this channel is amazing; I love it so much. It's my favorite channel, and this is coming from someone who can't choose between things.

  17. 3:50 "This too shall pass." That was one of my dad's two answers to everything. The other was, "You'll figure it out."

    He was right.

  18. 1.the task is huge
    2.didnt get it
    3.no one is perfect
    4.luck is real you don't make it
    5 your achievements are only one of your several part
    6.reduce expectations and take a rest

  19. This helped me just in time
    I felt Burned out today at my school for just having a lot to do and I felt that I am adopting to what I am being asked for and basically all of my Teachers expectations while they have no idea how you are living on daily basis. And I felt worn out for the sake of adopting to those silly expectations and comparing others to us.
    I came home wondering all day why I am so stressed out? And after watching this I can feel it.
    It’s just that you should not adopt to what they expect you and for winning medals or cups
    Especially with a system that ignores your capacity and being a you for most people self loathing

  20. Please redo this video, such an important topic ruined by terrible, distracting, annoying animation/soundtrack

  21. I just LOVE your channel so much! So so much, thank you for helping me understand more and thank you so much for these wonderful videos

  22. do not like this new ”spiffy" presentation style. although a contemporary way of presenting material, the use of text shown on the screen while a narration is being presented makes focusing on the content of what is being said very difficult. i have always appreciated alain de botton"s simple elegance and clarity…..this new style is not honest….it is contrived and unfortunate….. cutesy and playing down to intelligent viewers.
    de botton's ideas are too valuable to miss!! what he says is too valuable to be lost in presentation.

  23. I searched self compassion for kids and your video came up. It looked appropriate and students enjoy animation but you included bare jiggly boobs!! I cannot show this in class:(

  24. Thank you for this video, for its content, for the animation, for the tone of the narrator's voice and for the sounds that, judging from the comments below, only few people like me found funny and soothing at the same time 😁

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