Part 1- Stockholm Synchronization Workshop – Loneliness and Avoidance

Part 1- Stockholm Synchronization Workshop – Loneliness and Avoidance


B: Sweden. It’s a long time coming huh? Yeah finally. Yeah, it kinna blew our minds that we’ve been doing this
for about six years now. So, it’s good to be here. Ahh great. Thank you. Yeah, so, if you don’t
know who I am my name is Blake Dyer. I’ve lived with
teal for 15 years. she escaped from her
abusive situation to… my kitty cat explosion. And, so, it was funny… I was introducing her on stage
the other night in london, and talking about how I… I was like, “shit. you’re
always so serious.” You know? And I was thinking I
was gonna bring a bit of a happiness into her life,
by showing her how I live. And it turns out that I was
just suppressing everything. and that wasn’t true happiness. Audience: ~ Laughs ~ B: So now I’m sad and happy. at the same time. It’s much more rich,
you know? Yeah. ~ Applause ~ B: It’s all of it. You know? So, I thank her for that. And it’s so good to be able
to bring her to you guys, and, be here, and… Teal Swan COME OUT! ~ Applause ~ T: Hi. Thank you. I love you guys. It’s good to be here
with you guys. Is this working? We’re good? Alright. It’s good to be here in Sweden, this is the first time
actually for me. In body. Audience: ~ Laughs ~ T: I may or may not have been
checking up on some of you. So I decided that I’d ham it up
and be like super american and wear like a,
pageant dress today. Do you like that? I couldn’t help myself. But, ok, so, I have to talk to you
a little bit about this culture, By raise of hands
I wanna know how many of you are
actually from this area. A fair bit, ok. Ah, let’s go nordic countries. Oh yes. Ok, before we start, I wanna
throw you into an exercise actually, this morning but
before we start doing that, I’m gonna talk to you
a little bit about… nordic countries and
how that relates to how patterns are passed
through families. Families, it’s not just genetics
that we hand down, and as some of
you may know, genetics are actually
12 dimensions. So if you dissect genetics, beyond just what we see
on a physical level, what we see is 12 different
dimensions to genetics. So you actually come into
your life experience having downloaded every
memory from every ancestor that has ever
come before you. That should overwhelm you. But the most important thing
to understand about families, is that it’s the tools,
that we cope with, that we pass from one
generation to the next. And that’s where we get
the most in trouble. Because some of those
tools, they work for us. And some of them don’t. And most of these tools are
developed based off of survival. Whatever helped
us to survive. In the nordic countries, what
life looked like way back when, in the wintertime was that
a whole bunch of people had to cram into a very small area
to survive through the winter. Now, just for fun,
I want you to imagine what would happen
if I did that with say, a group of brazilians
or mexicans? Audience: ~ Giggles ~ T: Just tell me what
would happen? What would happen in
a hot blood culture is I would open that
door in the spring and I would be lucky
if I found body parts. So, the tool that was developed in
the nordic countries, was stoecism. Which is the capacity to
create emotional distance even when you’re physically
in the same place. And this is not something which the
nordic cultures have transcended. It’s a tool that has been
passed and passed down, regardless of the fact
that we now have all the technology in the
world to not be living you know, 16 people,
or even 100 sometimes per small… little… housing unit. and this in terms of what I’m
concerned with in the world is what is, the least beneficial
to the nordic cultures. I’ve got some good news… I’m doing a whole blog
on this, by the way. I’m doing an energetic
diagnosis on stockholm. Audience: whooaaa. T: ~ giggles ~ yeah. I had fun last night. I was such a peeping
Tom, I was like… Looking inside people’s houses. Nobody uses drapes here. It’ll be fun thought.
I promise. When you read this
you’re gonna like it. But, what I wanna
start off with today, in the experiential exercise
we’re gonna do is based off of
my findings here. It’s not much different
from places like Norway, same thing, sort
of nordic culture. Same tool, same
coping mechanism. Which is to create so
much emotional distance. But as I will keep touching
on, over and over today, This emotional distance is why so
many people in this area of the globe, don’t actually know what
it is that they’re missing. It’s like there’s so much emotional
distance between each other and so actually a lot of emotional
needs that are being unmet. But nobody even knows what it
would look like for them to be met. So, it’s almost like I’m confused
about why I don’t feel quite right, but I don’t know what it is. I’ll get into that later. The first exercise that
we’re going to do, because I want to
pop this bubble, That exists, between
all of you guys. Is we’re gonna do
a similarity exercise. I really like this, I’m hoping it brings
the tone emotionally up in this room, before we start the
meat of this workshop. So, we’re gonna…
where’s Karina? Hi Karina. I’m having my resident german
organize things for me. Because I can’t do it. I’m gonna explain the exercise and then she’s gonna explain
how to organize yourselves into the exercise. Sound good? OK the exercise
goes like this; I’m gonna get
you in a group, and then I’m giving each
one of you 4 minutes. So let’s say that 3 of us
were in a group, right? I would get 4 minutes and
during those 4 minutes I’m the center of focus. Usually I like to
do this in a circle, but this time I’m not gonna
do it in a circle because, this is obvious, we’re gonna
break our necks if we try that. You guys are gonna
focus on me. If it’s my turn.
And for 4 minutes it’s their job to tell me how
they are the same as me. Or how I’m the same
as them. Same thing. So, what might you say? K: Um, like something easy to
start would be we’re both women. T: OK we’re both women. By the way, I’m gonna
stretch you here, because you can say things
like that if you really want to, but, I want you to keep going
deeper and deeper and deeper. You can use your intuition
if you want to. We can tell a lot more about people,
than we consciously think. So, dig deeper. How am I the same as you? K: We both enjoy good food. T: That’s true. B: do me do me. T: No, no, no it’s my turn.
So you go. B: But my turn? T: No it’s my turn. B: OK. This is how it’s gonna go. Audience: ~ Chuckles ~ B: So I’m doing you? T: Yes. B: OK. T: He acts like he’s never
done this before. B: We are good at intuitively,
subconsciously matching clothes. Audience: ~ Laughes ~ B: Sorry that wasn’t
very deep was it? T: Nor accurate. ~ Giggles ~ B: Oh sorry, I’m horrible up here.
You shouldn’t put me up here. OK, um… we both
enjoy, I don’t know, depths of people. T: We do? B: Yes. T: That’s true about you? Audience: ~ Laughs ~ B: Yeah. T: For those of you
who don’t know, Blake is the most avoidant of
all the people in my group, of doing anything deep. Especially shadow work. Nooo. B: You want more? T: I want one thing.
Come on. B: One thing. T: You guys better
be better than this. T: this is what happens when
we don’t pre prepare. You see, like, I just tell my
team I’m showing up and you guys get ready to
be thrown into whatever and you’re not gonna
know what it is. And this is what
I get in return. Ok. K: Were both good at
trusting our emotions. Also the negative ones. T: That’s true. OK, so, this is how it goes, better than that, one person…
it’s gonna be my turn. I get 4 minutes. I’m literally saying nothing. This is your challenge. You wanna treat all of these things
like they’re meditative exercises when I put you into the
experiential exercises, if you wanna get the most that
you can out of these workshops, My suggestion is
not to chit chat. And this is what
we do as people, when we get really super
uncomfortable right? We immediately just start
talking about something that has nothing to
do with the exercise, that is making us
feel vulnerable. But I don’t want you
to approach it this way, So, if I am the one who is the
center of focus in this scenario, for those 4 minutes I don’t
get to say one thing. I just get to notice what
people see in me. Because some of these people, you’re not gonna have
ever met before. Hopefully. And they’re still gonna have
to kind of feel into you, see into you, and listen into
you, and really pay attention so as to try and ascertain what
is the same about you. And feel, when you’re
in this position, how much closer it
makes you feel. We’re gonna be
talking today about the difference between
closer and further apart, as two basic movements
within the universe, that you need to
concern yourself with. So, feel how when somebody is telling
you how you’re literally the same instead of how you’re different, it kind of breaks down that
barrier and pops the bubble. So, that will be 4
minutes per person. then we’re gonna switch. But, I don’t want any of
you to be quiet ok? I’m really challenging you. So, it would be, if we were, of
course we’re a group of three, she goes, then he goes,
then the next person goes, and for as long as
that 4 minutes takes if we have to continue,
we’ll keep going. So, we’ll do a second time. Until that timer goes off. And we’re gonna be breaking
you off into groups of 8. So.. Would you like to explain how
this arrangement goes? Experiential Exercise T: You guys ready? Ok, since I have a lot
of newbies here, I’m going to explain how this synchronization
workshop actually works. Those of you who have
heard this shpeel already this is gonna be remedial, but for those of you who have never
been to one of these workshops, I am extrasensory. What that means is, I couldn’t
fully plug into the matrix. Um, the majority of people,
actually let’s go here, I want you to imagine, that upon
coming into your physical life here on the planet earth, it’s almost like plugging
into a video game. But, any of you who have played
a video game know that, you have an avatar right? So, usually, there’s an
avatar in the videogame and it’s kinna moving
around for you and you’re pretending
you’re that player. But, in this time space
reality, coming into life, is a bit like you become the
avatar and totally forget the aspect of you that’s
sitting on the couch. And that actually benefits
source consciousness that benefits the
process of expansion. For that forgetting
process to occur so that you can fully engage in
your three dimensional life here. When I came into this
time space reality I opted into several influences
which made it so that that filture was broken. One of them was that my
mother had a rhesus factor that was different than mine. So she was RH negative blood
factor and I was RH positive. So, her body was attacking
mine in the womb. And at a very crucial phase, when
my nervous system was forming I wasn’t able to form “well”. So, what it’s like for me living
is what it would be like for somebody if they took ayahuasca,
and then had to function normally. So, yeah, just imagine being
super high on ayahuasca every day but not pucky. That’s my life. Which was quite frankly
hell growing up. I sort of like to joke about the
fact that if I didn’t do this work I would literally be
in an institution. Which is pretty
much the case. Like, I’m doing this work because
it’s literally the only thing for me. You know? It’s like watching 400 different
TV channels at the same time. But the benefit of this is that I
can see pre manifested reality. I’m actually visually seeing,
not like in the mind’s eye, like visually seeing, emotions, and
I can see the human energy field. I can see inside bodies, I mean
all kinds of different stuff. When your dead relatives
visit, I can see them. So, being extrasensory, what
I’m doing here in the crowd is I’m watching the
collective consciousness. I will feel the rise and
fall, not just feel it, be able to visually see
the rise and fall, if some of you don’t get it,
I’m also visually seeing it. So, that was a little
joke you guys. So, what’s interesting, that
most people don’t know is that you are all actually totally
tapped into this collective unconscious, it’s just most of you are
not consciously aware of the fact that you’re tapped
into each other’s subconscious. So, this room represents
a collective conscious that can be treated
as one thing. Like, an individual entity. Right? And the way that it looks is
a little bit like an ocean or a body of water. Only, if you could turn that
water into pure light. And so, I’m watching it kind
of, go between you two… Two? Between all of you. And when somebody
has a question, that vibrates the closest
to the collective asking, Then that person in the
crowd will light up. It’s almost like if somebody
was to take a flashlight or a tiki torch, or something, and
put it into their energy field. They just become super super bright. And that means that the group is who
selects who ends up on stage with me. Now the fun of doing it this way, there’s both fun and also a
practical application for this, The fun is, is as I have no idea
what the hell is gonna happen, when I go into a city. I don’t know what a
person’s gonna ask me, I don’t know what their issue is, I don’t know whether it’s
gonna be somebody who comes up here and
says: “I want you to die.” Yeah, so, it’s kinda like
gamble chocolates. You guys gotta have
those here right? Do you have the chocolates… it’s boxes of chocolates,
you know? You get like the different flavors? Ok. Some people who come
up here will challenge you. It will be very difficult for you. It will probably
personally trigger you, other people will be super
fun for you to watch. This is why I say that there’s
a practical application to doing these
workshops this way. It’s that if you are a match
to being in this room, then you have to be a match to the
collective consciousness of this room. You couldn’t actually be
sitting here experiencing whoever is up here
on stage with me if it didn’t apply to
you in some way. Your capacity to figure out
how this applies to you is about your level
of consciousness. Because it will be tempting sometimes
for somebody who comes up here to say something,
and you’ll be like: “Oh I don’t relate to that at all.
I don’t know why they’re up there. This is not my thing. Like I wanna
have my question answered.” But actually everything that
happens on this stage has something for you.
Absolutely everything. And I don’t know whether it’s
something they’re gonna say, something I’m gonna say,
but you’re game today is to play the game of
“How does this apply to me?” That’s how you’re
gonna suck the most, for your own personal expansion,
out of whatever happens up here. And I’m gonna help
you with this. Sometimes when I’m helping
them with a question I will ask you guys to
reflect on a question. For example. But that’s how
this is gonna go. So, don’t take it personally if
you, yourself individually don’t get selected to come up
here on stage, by the group. It’s not personal for me, and it’s
not personal I can assure you, for anybody else
in this audience. Put the intention
out there, however, that whatever you want to
know, or need to know is going to come to you
through the venue of myself and the person
who is up on stage. And the other thing
that I’m going to ask, because obviously being up here
in such a vulnerable position, most people don’t feel like
I do about being on stage. I could literally fall
asleep up here. Like I gotta help
myself, it’s bad. Like I was just saying
when I was down here, I could curl up and go to
sleep, in front of you guys. Like my level of comfort in front
of a crowd is not normal. There’s a reason though, do
you wanna know the reason? In my childhood everything
that was horrible happened behind closed doors. Without anybody watching. So this actually is
super safe to me. Graciella’s teasing me, she’s like: “We’re gonna get you
wallpaper of an audience, so you can fall
asleep at night.” But for the majority of people, This is actually a higher
fear than like, anything. Did you know that? The number one fear in the
world is actually public speaking. So not only am I requiring
people to come up here and be in front
of an audience of hundreds upon
hundreds of people, I’m asking them to be open about
their most vulnerable aspects in front of hundreds and
hundreds of people. So, what I want
from you, is to… really put your undivided attention
and unconditional presence towards the stage
if you can today. Because what I can do
is I can actually use the energy of the collective
consciousness to create great shifts within people. So it’s not just me that’s gonna
be doing this magic today it’s also the focus
from all of you. Do you want me to explain what
unconditional presence means? Unconditional presence is one of
the most important thing you can learn, when it comes to interacting
with other people. it is that, this is
the no conditions, it doesn’t matter
whether you’re happy, it doesn’t matter
whether you’re sad, it doesn’t matter whether you’re
doing this or doing that, there’s no condition, upon
which I am present with you. Present means my focus is on you,
I am completely feeling you, I’m completely listening to you. I’m coming to understand you. That’s presence. So, to give presence that is not
conditioned upon anything is really, really awesome.
really really awesome, when it comes to
developing relationships. And today is your opportunity to
practice that with whoever is on stage. You guys ready to begin? Ok, you’re gonna have
to bear with me, because these stage lights
have bathed everybody in a nice blood color. So, I’m hoping I can pick out what
color people are actually wearing which is usually how
I identify people. But… Let’s just give this
a try shall we? OK, so, get clear on whatever
question you have in your mind. And when you have it
you can raise your hands. Alright you have selected, strait
where my hand is pointing, almost in the very last
row, there is a man, yeah you’re the
only one waving. Yes, like this, yeah. Hey it works.
It’s working. ~ Applause ~ I’ll also give you a
little mild suggestion, for those of you
who end up here, with me on stage. If you have a
handheld microphone, you literally have to be close
enough to make out with it. For somebody to hear
you on the stage. Hi. He: So nice to see
you in person. T: You too. He: You look very sparkly. I like it. T: I couldn’t resist. He: I did not expect to be picked. So I just raised my hand,
and figured that, if I get picked, there is
something for the audience. T: What? ~ Laughter ~ He: So, I have two questions, I’ve been thinking about lately. T: OK. He: So how about, I give them,
and then you can pick which one you perceive to be the
most relevant for the audience. T: Or you. He: Or for me. T: OK. He: My first question is,
regarding loneliness, I rarely feel lonely. Is there something
wrong with me? Audience ~ Laughs ~ T: What’s your second question? He: That is question number one. Question number two is… what is the wisest way to deal
with frustration and adversity? T: That’s too broad. Let’s go with the first question. He: The first one, alright. So where do we begin? T: There’s something
so wrong with you. ~ Laughter ~ He: Did you say wrong or raw? T: I’m teasing you. He: Yeah? T: I said there’s something
seriously wrong with you. OK, describe your life to me. Describe your day. He: My day? T: Yeah. Do you live with
people or alone? He: Sorry? T: Do you live alone
or with people? He: I live alone. My day is, I feel like a horse. Just ~ kicking away ~ And the horse wants
to get out and run. T: To do what? He: Run. T: But like, to do what? Practically?
Because that’s a horse. He: It’s a horse yeah. And me running is
working on projects and things I’m really
passionate about. And I do love cuddling
with the other horses but then I wanna go
out there and run. And this makes it so
that I rarely feel lonely. T: Why is this a problem though? He: I don’t know. That’s why I don’t
know why I’m here. But that’s the question
I had in my mind. T: Well I know it’s the question
you had in your mind, but why did you
have that question? I mean like, you can
only be asking that if you’re having
relationship issues. He: Yeah. So… When I’ve been in relationships, I enjoy my projects more than
I enjoy my relationships. T: Yes. Exactly. He: And that makes it
difficult for them to work. T: Exactly. He: Yes. T: Um, OK, So… JUst for fun I want you to
start us off at the beginning. I’m gonna work you through
an understanding here. In your childhood, I want
you to picture yourself, At the dinner table.
Can you do that? He: Yeah. T: How much choice did you
have over what you ate? He: I just ate whatever I was given. I was quite happy
about that, I think. I ate a lot. Always hungry. T: Talk to me about your family. He: What do you wanna know? T: I want you to describe them. What did they expect of you?
First and foremost. He: Ok. My Dad had expectations in me,
that I would be an achiever. Yeah, so, he really, for him school
and education is very important. And he wanted me to be good at
the same things that he was good at. T: Umhum. So what you just
said is, everything. I’m sorry I just set you up. Basically, I set you up to
demonstrate my point here. He: OK. T: What you’re working with and
the reason you don’t feel lonely is because you have an
avoidant attachment style. Have you ever heard
about this before? He: A little bit. T: In your childhood there’s
two polarized opposite traumas and should get this out
of the way right now and say that the
majority of relationships actually on the planet
today are dysfunctional. So, when you hear somebody
like myself or a psychologist, or whatever, talk about
dysfunctional relationships, and it’s not the rarity,
it is actually the norm. It’s just that everybody
has a family that falls somewhere on this
dysfunction scale, you know? For some people it’s like,
we’re all the way over here, where like, Dad is dead drunk and Mom is like a
super codependent and like, bad enough maybe
that like, you know, the Mom walks in on a little
girl getting sexually molested, and is like: “Well that,
I didn’t see that.” You know. Really dysfunctional. And then, somewhere over this
way we’ve got your type of family. Right? In that type of a family, when
the children are born the children are actually
treated more like dolls. All of the children are
treated like dolls. Because it’s an expectation
that they fit whatever the needs
of the parents are. So for a minute I want
you to imagine that… Imagine you’re watching a
little girl playing with a doll, or a little boy, in the
case of your father. It’s an expectation
with the doll that if the little girl doesn’t
wanna play with it anymore, she can put it on a shelf
and it goes… ~ stays still ~ and when the little girl decides
she wants to feed it it goes ~ opens its mouth ~ You see? Watching a kid play
house with a little doll, there’s a striking difference
between that and a real baby. And that’s that, that doll
is on your schedule. That doll is dressing in what
you want it to dress in. That doll has the future
you want it to have. But with an actual human
infant, it’s the reverse. It’s, this little being
comes in and is like, I’m taking a crap
in my diaper now. Regardless of whether
it’s 3:00 A.M. or not. I want to eat now. I want to eat this thing
versus that thing. I want to wear this
thing versus that thing. And I have my own
potential and porpoise. So, there begins this war, Because when a little child
has their own identity it often invalidates the desires, or even the entire
personality of the parent. This is where your
Dad came in. If you had a pencient
to be a musician, and maybe that was your
perpoise coming in, that would fly in the face of
everything your Father values. So, he has a choice right now,
either he accommodates your values, or he says: ” You replace
your values for my values.” Now, in our childhood, and
even in our adulthood our single biggest need is
connection and closeness. And I cannot stress this more. Because all of us have
to get this on the globe, or else we’re not gonna
get each other. A human infant, is in
the animal world, and absolute embarrassment, in terms of, you know, independence. Because it is completely
relationally dependent. If you put a three month
old baby on the floor and you don’t feed it and do
what you’re doing with it, that is a dead infant. And that’s at three months. We’re born three months
premature actually, because we couldn’t actually
fit through the birth canal. So, we come out unformed
actually, to be honest. And even after that,
You’ve got something that’s completely dependent
on Mom and Dad. Now, that’s survival that
you’re talking about. That is the most primal aspect
of the nervous system. That prioritises closeness with
the social group above all else. Because that is the
only way to live. So, I want you to get
that about yourselves. You are programed 100% and
physiologically to need other people. It is a bigger need
than food and water. Because it is what guaranteed
you food and water. So as a child, this why you’ll
see somebody like me, keep pulling people
back to childhood, over and over and over again. It’s not because I’m on some
vendetta against parents. I keep pulling you back there
because it’s your programming. This is the foundation
of your imprinting. It was way back in those days,
that you laid the foundation for what you are. And at your most primal essence
you are in need of closeness. So, can you accept that so far? He: Yes. T: So when you have
a parent who says: “My approval and closeness
with you is completely dependent upon you giving
yourself up for me.” You do it. You figure out a way to do it. Which is how we arrive at
your attachment style. And by the way, we can talk about
the opposite attachment style, if you’d like, in a minute. Because all the children
are expected to be dolls. Some succeed at it. Others don’t. The ones who succeed
at it, both of us, right now we’re actually representing
in our family units, the exact opposite rolls. What we represent is two children
who were both expected to be dolls. One made it and one didn’t. It created two opposite
styles in relationships because both of us would
have gotten the message, ” You can’t have me
and have you too.” So when Dad is like,
you can’t have yourself, and this learning
happens so early, like so early, a lot
of these memories you don’t even really have
a lot of access to anymore. It’s just a vague feeling. When Dad says you can’t
have you and have me too. You gave yourself up for it. Knowing that the
consequence would be, being isolated and
ostracised like I was. And what I did was watch you,
the kid who did make it work, feeling totally ostracised and
isolated realizing that to be close I would
have to lose myself. So we’re both terrified
of each other’s fate. But, let’s explain you. When you get close to somebody,
you lose yourself. Because it’s the way you
learned to have relationships. He: That makes sense. T: The closer you get, the more
suffocated you’re gonna feel. The more you’re gonna
feel like you need space, and what you get out of your projects
is a feeling of being an individual. Does that make sense? He: Yeah T: You don’t have a very
defined sense of self actually. Which is probably the opposite of
what most people have told you. They probably tell you,
you’re a super narcissist. Like, you’re just focussed
on yourself all the time. Right? Yeah. It’s a form of rebellion,
is what you’re doing. You guys understand there
is a difference between freedom and rebellion right? Rebellion is not freedom. With rebellion you’re still
completely at the mercy of whatever you’re
rebelling against. so, they’ll look
at you and say: “You’ve got a really
defined sense of self.” “Like, consider other people
for once in your life.” But actually you’re in a constant
fight to try to define yourself. Because your inclination, because
that’s how you’ve been taught, the minute that you
get close to somebody, you’re in relationship with,
and begin to get intimate, you suddenly are losing
track of your needs, versus their needs. Your wants versus their wants.
Preferences… It’s like, it starts to defuse. Do some of you relate to this? So, when you start to feel
that feeling in your body, that will threaten your
sense of identity. Which is also a
form of survival. And so you will go
run away to be alone. But, the reason that you are not
feeling the sense of isolation so intensely the
way that somebody with the opposite attachment
style might feel, is because you don’t
have those boundaries. He: Which boundaries? T: A sense of self. Do you understand
boundaries? Do you guys want me to
talk about boundaries? OK. I love talking about boundaries,
because no one gets them. Actually first, let’s play
with this, If I was to say: “Talk to me about boundaries,
like, define what is a boundary.” What would you say? Just out of curiosity. He: First of all, I think it would
be interesting to talk about it. because I think me being more
skilled at putting up boundaries, would allow me to feel more
safe, when I’m with other people. T: But that’s… Oh God I’m
so glad you’re up here. I cannot even tell you. You are like the perfect example… So, did you hear what he said? I really wanna be able
to put up boundaries. Do you see that against movement? That is classic of this attachment style. And most of us, by the way,
I set you up again to be… You know, in a normal world, If I ask anybody what
boundaries are about, they always describe that, boundaries
are related to almost like a barrier. Or a push you away. Right? He: So, can I try again? T: You didn’t fail. It’s just… I guess…
go ahead yeah. I’m interested. He: I trust you. OK, so most people associate
boundaries only with a conflict. So, boundaries are about when
you push somebody away or when you say no. That’s not a boundary, you guys. A boundary is nothing more
than a defined sense of self. So, you understand definition right? If you imagine static,
imagine static on a screen. And when that static starts
to condense into a picture of a person, they start to become
defined in that static right? So, a boundary is nothing more
than what defines you. It’s that simple. So, are you ready for a boundary? He: Yes. T: My favorit. What’s your
favorite icecream? You guys do eat icecream here right? ~ Laughter ~ He: I do now. There’s one with
no sugar in it. Called Nix it’s amazing. T: I need to find this. He: How I found it? T: No I need to find this ice cream,
like this is my favorite thing. He: Yeah it’s with xylitol
and stuff, it’s great. T: OK.
He: Nix T: So what’s your favorite flavor? He: it’s um… I can’t translate it, it’s like a, T: You can’t translate it? He: I don’t know an english word. Fudge. T: Fudge? mmmm. You’re lush aren’t you. Um, my favorit is coffee. That’s a boundary. Sit with that for a minute. Isn’t that incredible? My favorit is coffee and his is fudge. That’s a boundary. The only point at which we
start to become concerned with boundaries in relationships
is when there’s a conflict. Here’s an example, You and I are in a relationship. You wanna go work
on a project right? That defines him. Right now his desire…
so you get that? A definition is, my needs,
my desires, my preferences, my thoughts, my feeling. So right now in this moment his feeling is he wants to
go work on a project. My feeling is I would like
to cuddle, and then some. That’s a boundary conflict. Do you see that? So right now our sense of
self and what we need, it doesn’t match. So what would you do typically
in a relationship in that scenario? He: What just happened? T: Yeah. He: I would say, Teal I see that
you wanna cuddle right now, that would be lovely. I want to work on my project. Can we do this another time? Would that be OK with you? T: Ok, so, what’s the problem? Do you guys feel the
problem there or no? Do I need to spell this out? What you literally just said is: Teal I see your need, my
need is more important so I’m going to put it first. What you didn’t do is
open the door for me, because you never learned that
this could happen in the past, this is really important if you
have this attachment style, you never learned
that somebody else was capable of considering
your best interest. So, you never actually opened the
door for me to allow for your need. So a relationship
with you is a war. If you get anything today, that’s
the thing I need you to get. Because it will totally transform
your relationships if you get this. Your relationships
today are a war. It’s you or me. Do you notice that? And watch this in yourselves
if you’ve got this issue. In your mind, you win right
now, or I win right now. Right? Either I get you to stay home
and cuddle and then some… or you get me to let you go. Do you feel this energy? This is called a zero sum game. Do you want me to explain
zero sum games? I did come from
america after all. ~ Chuckles ~ You guys that was way way
more of a laugh than that. ~ Laughter ~ It will be more funny when I explain
what a zero sum game is. A zero sum game is I win, you lose. And we’re actually playing
these games in relationships all the time. And not really realizing it. But it makes trust impossible. So let’s talk about trust shall we? I can define trust for you
in about a second here. Trust is I can rely upon you to
capitalize on my best interests. This is important
for you to notice, I didn’t say I can
rely upon you to give up your best interests
for my best interests. Because that’s, when we’ve
got your attachment style, that’s what we start to think. We start to think that
to develop trust, we have to give ourselves
up for the other person. That’s your education
in childhood. Right? That’s not what I said. Trust is, I can rely upon you to
capitalize on my best interests. That means to consider
my best interests. A relationship which
is founded on trust is founded upon the principle that
because we are in a relationship, your best interests are
part of my best interests. and vice versa. So there is no possible way
that I could damage you without hurting myself. And if you do the same
thing in return, then you’re considering my
best interests as well, then both of us are
actually making space for our needs, wants, thoughts,
feelings and boundaries. Does that make sense so far? He: Yeah. T: I need this to be so practical
before you get off the stage though. it’s ridiculous, because
sometimes when I’m having these philosophical conversations
about the reality of the planet earth, it doesn’t make
sense in practice. Right? You guys with me so far? Audience: Yes. If I in this committed relationship,
if we were in this scenario, If I hear you say, I really
wanna work on a project, that’s your best interest
which is part of mine. Right? Now I want to make the
space for you to do that. I also want you to make
the space for me to be you know, loved. Can you do that? He: Yeah. T: OK so then what
we do is we sit down and we have a conversation about it. We’re in a roll play. He: Alright. T: OK, so.. say it again. Say it like you’re actually gonna take
my best interests as part of yours. You understand this is agressive? It’s literally choosing
with your free will, this is a big important thing, OK? For somebody who’s in your shoes, it might not actually be
the place that you’re in, in the healing process. To actually be in a relationship. I really need to make that
clear, because sometimes sometimes there is
this assumption that… because the ultimate
form of human life is to be in really committed
and intimate relationship. That that’s the most healthy
thing for somebody to do. If you’ve had imeshment
trauma to a serious degree, You know that period in your
20s, at least in america, in your 20s there is this period
where you’re supposed to be just like, super self
centered, you know? So it’s the time that you
go to spring break and like you go and you
change your major 400 times, in college and that phase where you don’t have to consider
anybody else’s best interests, Might be really important for you. I wanna put that on the
table as a potencial. Because what will happen
after a person really feels that they get to choose
with their free will to have complete independence, they will then chose
into relationship. And so instead of sort of
fighting the other person, they’re like: ” OK, well I choose to take your best interests
as part of my own.” Where do you think you
might be? By the way? Because I don’t want to shove
you into this next practice if you think that this might
be a good thing for you. To have this “moment without”
considering anyone else. He: I’ll get there sooner or later, so it’s good to practice
the real thing. T: OK. But can you maybe restate
what I said to you though? About where you might be? He: What is the most relevant place
for me to be in my healing journey? T: Yep. He: Yeah. Currently I’ve decided to
explore freedom and independence. T: Perfect. Ok, so, this is what it looks like,
if you’re gonna do that for now, It means that what matters is, you try not to hurt the hell out
of other people in general, but, you’re not committing
to a relationship so you don’t wanna lead on into
thinking that she’s going to. You know what I mean? Like if you ever engage in a
sexual relationship, for example, you literally from the get go say: ” This is literally only a
sexual relationship.” But you’ve gotta really
feel into a woman, Because, let’s just be honest, we lie. I’m calling some of you out, because, girls, if a guy says to you, I’m literally just like, gonna
full on outright tell you this. If a guy says: “I’m literally
only in this for sex.” He is literally never gonna
change his mind ok? Cuz, what we love to
do as girls, is be like: “Oh my God me too. It’s just
like, you know, it’s just fun” But in the back of
our head it’s like: “Wedding bells?” ” I think I know the
dress I’m wearing.” We cannot be like this anymore. OK? So, making some
accommodation for the fact that women are generally terrible
at taking a man at his word. I need you to really be
honest with women. Durring this period,
so you damage as little amount of
people as you can. But, when you’re in this phase, you’re actually going through
what a toddler needs to go through. Which is, being
able to say no. Being able to pick
only what it wants. It’s that whole independence phase. So you’re gonna go
after what you want, you’re gonna think
what you think, you’re gonna pay
attention to your feelings, You’re gonna make
decisions based on you. It’s like a complete autonomy phase. Until you feel like you wanna
consciously choose into a relationship Then, when you wanna
choose into a relationship, consciously, do you see how I
chose to take your best interests as part of my best interests
makes you free? He: Yeah. T: This is a big deal for
you guys to get this. You don’t have to. No one is forcing you to consider
somebody else’s best interest. You’re choosing to do it. Which means that nobody
took your power away at all. So, let’s do this. You’re in the relationship, He: OK. T: You choose with
your free will to take my best interests
as part of your own. If you are capable of intimacy,
you’ve already felt into, and have seen into me. So what you’re gonna do
is you’re gonna evaluate what you see and feel in me, and what you see
and feel in yourself. And there’s always gonna be
a little bit of pliability then. Do you see what I mean? He: Pliability? T: Pliability being, you know, if
my best interests includes hers, it’s not just me considering
her best interest. They are actually part of my own. I’m not gonna
feel good going… to doing a project this
particular minute, Knowing she feels that way. He: could you say that last part?
I didn’t hear you. T: ~ Giggles ~ yes. ahhh. OK, actually I’ll reverse it
on him the he’ll get it, I’ll reverse it. Ready? If I’m taking your best interests
as part of my own, Not just considering your
best interests, right? Look I’m gonna show you like this, Right? This is your best interests. Now, to consider your
best interests, right? I’m like: ” OK, well that’s yours.” This is more aggressive. It’s to choose with my free will to take
your best interests as part of mine. Now, If you say:
“I wanna go do a project.” It’s part of my own best interests. So, it’s not gonna feel good for
me if you’re trapped at home. Is it? He: No. T: That’s how you stay
safe in a relationship. It’s not gonna feel good for
me if I’ve got you stuck here, anymore than it’s gonna
feel good for you if you’re gone, and I’m
miserable at home. Right? So, you and I are going to engage
in a process now, at this point, that looks like”
“What’s the third option?” Now, if you’re really
connected to somebody, this conversation isn’t even something
that has to take place as a conversation. You’re gonna be able
to feel me enough to kind of evaluate your
needs and my needs, So that you can find a third option
that makes us both feel good. Maybe on this day, you
going at all is a bad idea. Maybe, going in two
hours is a good idea. Maybe going now and then meeting
up for lunch is a good idea. It depends on the scenario. But we’re gonna go back and forth
until we find out what that is. Where both of us feel
a sensation of relief. Not sacrifice. That’s the most important
flavor difference to notice. Please me. He: Ok, ok… T: ~ Sigh ~ this is a personal
trigger for me, Oh my God. Can I tell you why? Audience: ~ Giggles and laughs ~ Because people of opposing
attachment styles attract. And so what happens is, the people who desperately
need you around all the time, will end up in relationships with, you. And you will end up with people who
desperately need you all the time. And then we always feel
unloved and unwanted, And you always feel suffocated. He: This is exactly what happened. ~ Laughter ~ He: Until I broke up with her
about two months ago. T: Well, do you want me
to tell you the truth? Psychologist today, consider
this the deathly dynamic. If you walked into a
psychologist’s office, who practices attachment theory,
some of them won’t even see you. If they know that you have
the anxious attachment, and avoidant attachment,
they will literally just say, “My friends, it’s a matter of time.” “Bye.” Do you want me
to tell you why? He: Yeah T: Because you’re both always
in the “Red Zone”. What I mean by that, is that, because you’re always feeling
suffocated in the relationship, Because of your trauma
around intimacy, any time there is closeness
in the relationship it pulls your nervous system
into fight or flight. That’s the Red Zone. And because you’re constantly
pushing away because of it, it pulls my nervous system
always into the Red Zone. I’m constantly in fight or flight. And so it’s a volatile relationship
that is full of addiction patterns. You start to become actually abusive, because you said what is called an
intermittent reinforcement pattern, He: Could you explain that? T: Yeah. You guys interested? Ok, in the intermittent reinforcement
pattern, let’s say that you live on this. But, in this case
it’s intimacy right? So, what this person is
after, is this closeness, this feeling of juicy
closeness, right? So, come here. You have a little collection,
of these ok? The entire relationship, between
somebody with your style, and somebody with my
style of attachment, which is all you’re
gonna find so far, is determined by you. The avoidant is in control
of the relationship. And some of you who are on
this end of the spectrum, you know how
horrible this feels. The relationship is always controlled
by the person who can pull away. Because a relationship, it’s
like, I want you to imagine, there’s a kiddy pool in
between us, of water. To have a relationship, I
have to, with my free will, step into that kiddy pool. And you have to step in too. I’m totally at the mercy of that. So, If what I need is your closeness,
that’s what a relationship is, right? Then I’m at the mercy
of your capacity to go. And the avoidant is
the one who can do it. So, we basically sit here
at the castle door, that is mostly closed,
waiting for you to open. This is where intermittent
reinforcement comes in, and by the way, it’s the most powerful addiction
pattern you can get into. This is closeness,
one of those rocks. You get to decide when
you give this don’t you? Because it’s not one
of your dominant needs. It’s suppressed. So, what’s gonna happen is, I’m
gonna be constantly bidding, imagine that I’m like a
little mouse right now, I’m in a bid. Like all day. Now, he is sometimes just gonna
randomly feel good enough to go, ohhhh, ok,
so maybe that day, if we’re in a relationship,
that day we had sex. Now, I’m bidding again. You notice that there’s
no pattern here? This is what makes
this addictive. I can’t find a pattern,
for what makes him come forward into
the relationship. And actually give me the
intimacy that I need. So, then, I keep pressing,
and this actually, see, I start getting into
a starvation pattern. Because I can’t figure out
how to get him to be close. Now, then maybe next time,
he kisses me on the cheek and I’m like,
“Ok it’s better again.” now if you’re in this type
of an addictive pattern that will cause instantaneous relief. And I’m recommitted,
completely recommitted. But then you go away again. You get emotionally distant,
you wanna go do a project. So, each time you do this,
I get more frantic until, pretty soon, I’m actually
completely smuthering you because it’s like, instead of
doing this, it’s like (~ Grabbing ~) Because now there’s
no predictable pattern. And so it becomes a
full blown addiction. And I mean very serious,
like, some would say more powerful than
heroin actually. Because when I’m in
this type of a mode, my body is giving off
certain chemicals, and when you hand me one
of those… ~ Deep sigh of relief ~ It’s a whole other chemical cascade. Which includes endorphins. Which are more addictive to the
human body, than opioids. It is one. hehehe. Do you understand that so far? He: yeah and I recognize
myself, a lot in it. T: So the first thing
you’ve gotta get, and this is why
I’m say like, you have a lot of responsibility
in relationships here, to not be the one
who tortures, because, if what we were
having a conversation about was how to not have a relationship
and how to be independent, the person in the hot seat, would be the one in the
anxious attachment style. That would be the person
that I would be like, “Ok, you’ve gotta fix
this little issue here.” But, the reason that you’ve
gotta be the central focus is because a relationship is about
choosing to be together not apart. Does that make sense? So, that’s something
you need to know. In your relationships, because
of your attachment style, actually the relationship
is at the mercy of you. That should make you feel
a little better too though. He: Why? T: Because in childhood you were
powerless to your relationships. Specially with Mom and Dad. That’s why you got
into this whole thing. You look confused. He: I am confused yeah. T: Why? He: But in a good way. I think you’re really describing
what has been going on in my life. T: Yes. He: And I don’t feel
so good about being, about having this power. T: Good. He: Because I don’t trust myself yet. T: Well, but that’s the
thing though, I mean… you are actually healing from
an addictive relationship style. The avoidant and anxious
is an addictive style, so just like an addict has
a day where they go: “Crap I’m like, completely at
the mercy of my addiction.” When you’re in this type
of relationship pattern, that’s the day you’re having
and that’s actually a good day. It’s the day where you
actually realize the reality. The reality is, you are,
you know, you have been completely out of
control, honestly. You’ve been at the mercy of
your own attachment style. So, you haven’t actually been picking
partners that are right for you anymore than if I was
in this relationship I would be picking a partner
who is right for me. You know? We’re basically going
for the heroin needle. Both of us. Does that make sense kinda? He: yeah. T: I don’t really need
this to feel amazing. I need it to feel like, “Ok I’ve gotta be more careful in
the relationships that I get into.” And here’s just a little tip, once
you start into relationships again if you have your
type of pattern, the person you pick
is really important. Because you are gonna need to
rehabilitate yourself in relationships. You guys get that right? You’re gonna actually need
to rehabilitate yourself. And this is where I
completely freakin disagree with the majority of
experts on the planet. The majority of experts
think that this is, they say that this is
a death sentence, but then they’re basically saying,
you need to learn how to be closer. Right? And you people
in this chair, need to learn how to give
people more space. Have you hear that
before or no? It’s B. S. Do you want me to tell you why? Audience: Yes T: Ok, to heal, to heal is to
experience the opposite. Right? And when it comes to the traumas
that we experience in our childhood, That’s the experience. So, to heal is the opposite
of the experience. What is the experience that caused
me to be traumatized in childhood, if I have this attachment style? Abandonment. What is his? Enmeshment. What is the opposite
for each of us? He needs to, so if he’s been enmeshed,
he needs complete autonomy. That’s why I’m saying, for him
to choose this period of time where he’s like, it’s only me
and mine, or whatever, Is healthy for right now. Before you choose, if you
want to, into a relationship. What’s healing for the person
who’s been abandoned? total and complete closeness. So this is not somebody, if you’re
on this side of the spectrum, your opposite experience is not to
learn how to give people space, it’s not: “Oh you were abandoned
when you were little?” “Learn how to give people space.” ~ Laughter ~ What you need to do is be
incredibly selective in choosing a partner who can be
with you all the time. I mean, what would be the
best, if I could design it, if people were in this
type of attachment style, the best for you would actually be
to start a business together even. And to have a kind of relationship
where you can’t do that where it’s like, guaranteed
you’re gonna be together. Where it becomes so, the closeness
becomes so predictable, that it actually pulls your nervous
system out of fight or flight, you get the opposite experience
from what you have experienced, and then, by virtue
of doing that, you’re gonna naturally
create more autonomy. So, that’s where the health
starts to come into play. And we’ve already
figured this out, in the psychology field this
is called the paradox effect. Where ironically the
closer that a couple is, the more autonomy
they can tolerate. But when a couple get
into crisis, get into conflict, they can tolerate much
more less autonomy. So, the more secure and the
more closeness you can guarantee somebody, especially who’s
been in this position, The more that they’re
OK with space. And that’s gonna be your best friend
when you get into a relationship. Because for you, let me show
you physiologically, ok? If somebody that you’re
in a relationship… Oh wait I’ve gotta
go here first, You need to pick somebody
who is OK with distance. Just like I, if I’m in this roll, like,
I need to pick somebody who’s like, dude, my life
is about you man. You need to pick somebody who
likes distance in relationships. Ok? But, even then, if you
get a woman who clings, at any point, how do
you respond to this? I’m teaching you
the paradox effect. Your first instinct is
to pull away isn’t it? He: Yeah. T: I’m gonna save your
life here, in relationships. Do the opposite. It’s really hard for you
isn’t it? Look at you. ~ Laughter ~ T: You’re making me
anxious, God! Man! Audience: Hold her hand. He: Thank you. T: Yeah, yeah. Audience: ~ Applause ~ T: He doesn’t mean it ~ sigh ~ See? Do you feel this? Like, even though he made
that physiological move, like, all his energy is like,
( ~ afraid and retreating ~ ) But practice this, like, actually
try to come forward. Like try with your energy. ~ Laughter ~ You see, I have
sympathy for this, can I tell you why I have
a sympathy for this? You’re like this
because of trauma. You’ve learned that this means
death, to come forward. So I understand that this is scaring
the living daylights out of you. I get it. But the more forward you come, actually I’m just gonna sit
here until you can do it. Feel the fear, you’re gonna
have to feel the fear, and when you feel ready just
energetically come towards me. When you can,
don’t rush yourself. There we go. Do you feel how that
just relaxed me? He: umhum. T: I wasn’t yanking on you so
intensely because you did that. So the paradox, this
is the paradox effect, I’m gonna show it
to you visually, the paradox effect is, if somebody
is pulling for closeness and you come closer, they relax. So, actually for people like you, that
is your greatest self save mechanism. In a relationship. If you come closer to the
person who is clinging, they can tolerate autonomy. Cool huh? ~ Applause ~ T: So, do you get this or no? He: I get it. Yeah. Audencie: ~ Says something ~ T: Oh lord. Hi Matias. This doesn’t apply to
you at all does it? If you have a disorganized attachment,
which is what thats called, this is literally just about trauma, the disorganized attachment
only happens in situations where there is enough of a threat
to your immediate safety, usually physically, or
sexually or emotionally, or all of the above, It’s perpetrator bonding. So, what we’re calling
disorganized attachment, oh my god, I knew I was
gonna get into this you guys, I’m in Stockholm. ~ Laughter ~ Do you guys like study this
in school, or is this like…? Alright I’m just gonna
go there, I’m sorry, this is like really not politically
correct to do, but I’m doing it. Um, I’m in Stockholm where they
came up with this little syndrome, which, ~ giggles ~ yeah, you
guys know the story right? Do I have to tell you
the whole story? OK, no. Stay here for me for a second and I’m gonna have
somebody else come up. Matias, come up here for me.
Can you do that? I’ve gotta use a guy. Ok, keep me on track, I’m talking
disorganized attachment here. Alright, I’m gonna explain to you
how disorganized attachment forms and how it’s actually really
just stockholm syndrome. If I’m in a situation,
this is the captive situation, and by the way,
come here. The first thing that
you have to, accept is that your childhood
is actually captivity. I know that we don’t
want to accept this, because we love children and I hear
that Swedes especially love children, So, we don’t want to look at
childhood the way that it is. But, in childhood you’re
actually in a prison. Your happiness in your childhood
is completely dependent upon the benevolence of your keepers. That’s Mom and Dad. And how well they can attach
to your, or even perceive your needs and wants and preferences
and how you’re feeling and thinking. But if they can’t you’re
like, really out of luck. Because you’re captive
in that household. I mean the states
not gonna come in, if you have parents that are
just emotionally avoidant and take you
away from them. Nor would you really
want then to honestly. But, like, you’re not gonna run
away from home at 3 are you? So, your house,
that’s your prison. Now, when you’re with somebody
who is a dangerous individual, this is a person who cannot
consider my best interest, that’s the first thing to get ok? This person cannot
consider my best interest. It’s literally all about
them and their wants. And I am trapped in a house,
what is the safest place to be? Because when I’m out
here trying to get away, what’s he doing? Is this safe or not? Ok so what’s safe? This is safe. What I’m gonna do is I’m gonna
endear myself to this person in every way that I can. I’m gonna start to mirror them,
they don’t consider me anyways, so I’m gonna start to fool
this person, basically, plakate them into thinking
that I am exactly what they are. I have the same thoughts as you,
I have the same feelings as you, my life is about you, and we’re
completely on the same page. Now when I do that,
he goes, and relaxes. But what’s happening in
my body right now, is that I need this
closeness for my survival, I’m obviously, I’m human,
I still have that, I especially need this one,
because if I don’t have… I mean he controls
my entire life, right? So, I need that closeness,
But at the same time like, what am I really wanting to do
but I can’t do because I’m captive? I’m wanting to run. So, this is what gives rise to
a disorganized attachment, it’s at the same time
as I wanna be close, I want to run away
as fast as I can. And this is torture
in relationships. It is the hardest
pattern to work with, because any time you’re in
close vicinity with somebody, you go straight back
into this pattern. And so, even if you’re with,
like a technically “nice person” which you probably
won’t be a match to if you have that attachment
style, to begin with. Even if you’re with a
really nice person, you start to sort of
turn them into this. So, the way to rehabilitate this,
is… it’s a very slow process, It’s almost like,
have any of you seen people work with
damaged dogs or horses? Let’s pretend that he’s a really super
flighty, been beaten type of dog. Right? You want me
to do it with a horse? He: I’m a horse, yeah. T: Oh. Thank you. ok, if he’s a really super
damaged horse, what I’m gonna
start doing is, I’m going to start
recording our successes in tiny little itty bitty increments. So, the first thing I might
do, if you’re a horse this is a whole different
deal for us. Go back to my days, of training, I’m
not looking at you to begin with. I’m not squaring off with
you because as a horse if I do this,
I’m now a predator. So, when I’m
walking around you, I’m not gonna be looking
directly at you to begin with. I’m gonna be letting you know,
and my whole body posture is gonna be
that I’m safe. Now at this point you’re probably
running around and going nuts until the moment that you shift
and turn your body towards me. If a horse does that
in a pen, it’s like, at first you’ll sort of
see him doing this… And then there will be a
moment where they go, that one little look,
is so important. It means their energy came towards
you for the very first time. Now, when you’re trying
to train a horse in this way anytime they give you
that tiny little indication that they’re coming towards you,
there’s a reward of some sort, like, the pressure is taken off. So, if I was walking towards him
like this, and he’s running around if he turns towards me,
I go: ~ steps away ~ I remove the pressure. And if we’re working on a
lead line it’s the same thing. Tention, tention, release of tension. So, this person is getting a
reward for coming closer. And that actually teaches the nervous
system in a very somatic way, that it’s safe to come into
relationship in that case. So as this applies to humans, when somebody has a
disorganized attachment what they need worse
than anything, is somebody who can
sit here with them, let’s pretend you’re a person that is
disorganized attachment in this case, And what they are
gonna say and do is: “I’m here and I’m not gonna
come into your bubble, I’m also not gonna leave.” And that will put pressure on
them, and there will be anxiety But eventually, there’s gonna, you
usually see a breakdown actually. In that person. Because it’s the first time they’ve
had somebody who’s committed to not doing either abandonment
or a forward moving transgression. So, in our relationships, let’s say
that I’m working with somebody with a disorganized attachment, if they’re in a relationship with
somebody, or even not, the first thing I’ll have them do
is lay down on a bed together. Just like that, next
to each other. You guys are interested
in this right? I’m not like, losing
my whole crowd? OK. I’ll have them lay down on
a bed next to each other, and then it’s the person who has
the disorganized attachment that gets to initiate the closeness. That’s the important part. So, the other person isn’t going
away, with their attention either. It’s not like they’re daydreaming
on the bed next to you. It’s like, their focus is actually
on the person next to them. And they’re completely
with the other person but they’re also not, coming over
and infiltrating in any way. So the person who has the
disorganized attachment is then the one that reaches
out their hand maybe. And they can practice
a few times. Like if we’re working with somatic,
you know, body work, which is so good for trauma, they’ll maybe reach
over their hand and then touch and it’s
scary so they can pull it back. But that doesn’t cause
the person to go away at all. And then they try it
again and eventually you can have a sort
of safe relationship where they are the ones that are
initiating the level of closeness. Or distance. And it’s really amazing what happens,
I mean that’s just the beginning. This is like, a long process
that I probably can’t go into completely here,
but it’s very powerful for a person who has the
disorganized attachment to have the capacity to choose
their level of closeness or distance for the first time. And to realize there are
no consequences for it. Because what a person with a
disorganized attachment learns is that there’s a
consequence for everything. It’s like hell in relationships,
because they’re like: “Well if I’m not close
you’re gonna go away.” “But I can’t handle
you to be that close.” You know, because of terror. So, that’s the general way
how to rehabilitate that. Where are we? Do you need to
know anything else? He: Do you still wanna
do the roll playing? T: I guess. He: “I guess.” T: Ok, let’s pretend we
were in a relationship, But you have to take that, what I said to you about the
paradox effect, never forget it. Keep it in mind
when we do this. Give me another scenario. A conflict between you and me. He: OK. Ok, let’s say that you want the dishes to be cleaned when
you get home from work. And I don’t want to do them. Is that too simple? T: No that’s fine.
It’s fine, let’s do it. T: This is more of
a normal thing. it doesn’t involve our attachment
styles so than you. ~sigh~ alright. He: Or do you want something
with the attachment styles T: No. It’s fine. He: Ok. hahaha. T: I want all the dishes to be done.
And you don’t wanna do them. Ok, so, I see that you don’t
wanna be doing the dishes. Why is it that you don’t
wanna do the dishes? See, because I’m taking his best
interests as part of mine, I’m trying to understand him. This is how we have a relationship. I want to feel you, I want to hear
you and I want to understand you. Why don’t you want
to do the dishes? He: Because, when I’m
going about my day I like to be focused
on what I’m doing. And then when I’m
done with my day, then I’ll do the dishes in the
end, before I go to bed. T: Why? He: Because I want to be
in the flow during the day. T: Why? He: because otherwise
I get distracted. T: And what does
that do to you? He: That makes me think of other
things, than what I’m focused on. T: OK, do you know
what your issue is? He: yeah. T: You’re not getting vulnerable
enough for me to care. Do you know what
I mean by that? He: I think I do. T: Relatability, especially women, I mean this is unanimously about
people but, especially women, most women, unless you’re
dealing with a full on nut case, they really care about pain. So you’re gonna
have to involve me in why does that create
a problem for you. like, painful, not just like:
” I don’t want to.” Watch my tone of voice,
“I just wanna be in the flow.” “I wanna be in the flow, and when
I wanna be done with something, I wanna be done with something.” That was almost a like,
~ middle finger ~ I mean we’re fighting already. Let me into your pain. This is where a relationship
begins, for you especially. Why is that a problem if it distracts
you from what you’re doing? Why is that a problem? He: Because, I feel
really, really good when I’m completely
absorbed by something. T: Ok, and when you’re not? He: And when I’m not,
I feel… distracted. And I’m feeling like I’m not
being as useful as I could be. T: And when you’re not as
useful as you could be? He: Then I feel like
I’m wasting myself. T: And when you’re wasting yourself,
why would that be so bad? He: Because then I feel like,
I’m not taking responsibility. T: And when you’re
not taking resp… Look at how avoidant
you are of vulnerability. I want you guys to recognize
yourselves in this. There are some of
you who fit this bill. He’s not being vulnerable
with me. Can you tell? Keep going. Why would it be so bad? To waste yourself? He: Just then I would feel, I would
feel useless. I would feel bad. T: And if you’re useless
why is that so bad? He: Because then I feel
like I have no value. T: OK. OK. ~ Applause ~ T: Ok so what I’m hearing
in this relationship is that if you do the dishes
before I get home, you feel like you have no value. He: Yeah. T: To who? I would be curious about to who, but like in this case I’m not even
asking that because I’m challenging it. To who? Useless to who? Because obviously,
you’d be useful to me doing that. ~ laughter ~ He: I’m a bit confused right now. T: That’s good. I’ve taken you
out of your comfort zone. He: Yeah you have. ~ Snickers ~ T: Do you want me to fill
in the blanks for you? He: Yes please. T: Which I can pretty
much guarantee a girlfriend won’t be able to do for
you, but I’m gonna do it for you. “I feel useless because in my
childhood my Dad made me believe that if I wasn’t doing certain things,
I was a complete waste to society and washing dishes was
not one of those things. He: You got it. ~ Laughter ~ Ok, so then, this is interesting
cuz that shows you that you have something
to work on. On your own. He: Yeah, but… T: Do you get that? T: No, but I’ve shown
you the relationship, what do you mean no? He: Sorry? T: I wanna show you what
a relationship is like. You’re gonna take me on
a wild goose chase now. He: Ok. T: That told you something,
you’re in the business of awakening, otherwise you wouldn’t
show up today right? OK, so then that told you
something interesting. You are still operating from a previous
belief that was implanted by Dad. “If I do the dishes, what
does that mean about me?” Right? Now, that’s just
something to look at. Like, it’s not even something
you have to solve right now. But it’s just interesting to
notice that about yourself. You know? Woo, I’m really
operating from this interesting sort of a
judgment pattern. Now, for me being into
the awareness business it’s sort of like, ok well
what does that mean about how I treat people who
wash dishes in restaurants? If I have that belief I
can guarantee you that you are looking at them with
the same sort of philosophy . Now, if you’re committed
to reducing suffering then, you know, that would
be an issue for me if I was in your position. But it’s about looking
at that. Is it true? That whole exploration. But that’s like
for you to do. If I’m in a relationship with
you and you just said that, I don’t want you to be
in pain in that way. If I care about you
and I love you there’s no way I’d want
you to be washing dishes feeling like a useless
person and a failure. Which is what you feel like. So, I’m taking that as
part of my reality. Right? Can you take me
as part of yours? He: I’ll do my best. When I come home from work and what I see is a bunch
of dishes in the sink. I feel like I have to take
responsibility for that also. And so I’m gonna stress about
it as long as it’s in the sink. And I feel like I can’t go on to doing
anything else unless that’s done. Which is so much stress. It’s like, I feel the pressure
in my body everywhere. He: So, when there is
distraction around you, you feel like you can’t relax
when you come home. And being able to relax
is important to you. T: Yes and the the
dishes are distracting because if I wanted to relax
and there’s dishes in the sink, that’s all I’m thinking about. Oh God, oh God. He: How distracted are you? ~ Laughter ~ T: Like REALLY distracted. He: Really? T: But it’s not even distraction,
like distraction is your word, my word is pressure. He: But why do you feel pressure? T: Because it’s responsibility. He: But why do you feel
responsible about it? T: Because I don’t trust
you to do it, is the truth. He: Why don’t
you trust me? T: So I feel it’s going
to fall on me again. He: And, do you feel like,
I will never do it? Even though I say I will? T: No it’s that it’s always a fight. Like, I feel like the reason you do
it is always cuz I make you do it. I feel like if I didn’t get you to
do it, it would never be done. He: So you feel like you have
to take responsibility for me? T: Yes. He: OK. How often do you feel
like you can trust me? T: Almost never. He: And what could I do to
make you trust me more? Well let’s say that, so right
now, taking both of our, so this is where, we’re in
the pattern right now of trying to find the
third option. Right? I’m showing you what
to do in relationships. We’ve both seen the
vulnerable truth. Right? What I need, I’m aware now,
out of looking at that what I need is for you to take full
blown responsibility for those dishes. Without me asking. But I don’t want to
force you to do that in a way that’s gonna
make you feel useless, I mean, if you don’t wanna
do the dishes at all, we have to have a little conversation
about that, maybe even. Is that a boundary of yours? He: let’s pretend that it is? T: Well then I want you to
take the responsibility of finding somebody
else to do it. By the way if you wanna know how
really successful people think, this is how they start thinking, “I don’t wanna do that job, so I’m
gonna do more of what I love doing so that I can pay for
someone to do that job.” But I don’t wanna be responsible
for that as your woman. He: So when I’m
in a relationship, and you and I have two needs
where we don’t have a consensus, If I want you to feel
more close to me and I wanna feel
more close to you, T: No, you just did it. He: Sorry? T: Why are you asking
me that question? You just did it. I feel closer to you when you
include me in your vulnerability. If you’ve got a major
conflict or an issue there is some pain
underneath it. And when you include me in that,
I’m included in your life. You made it happen already. And then even amping it up
and the cherry on top is: “What is the third option?” How do we accommodate
for each other? We’re accommodating
for each other. This is what a relationship is,
it’s not compromise. It’s not compromise. Compromise is horrible.
Strike it from your vocabulary. What compromise is is, I’ll take
some pain and you take some pain. That’s not what we’re after. We’re after the solution that
causes both of us to feel relief. And as if we’re closer. He: And I don’t really see
the difference between compromise and accommodation. T: That’s because you’re not
taking my best interests as part of yours yet. Are any of you
getting this or no? Audience: Yes. T: OK. ~ Laughter ~ T: Ok, again. He: Yeah. T: If I am going to take your best
interest as part of my best interests this is now part of me. I don’t feel relief unless
you feel relief. So it’s not a compromise
for me is it? I don’t feel like I’m self sacrificing
when this is part of my best interests. I need you, I NEED
you to feel good. That’s my best interests. I’ve just chosen that
with my free will. You haven’t yet. The reason this is confusing
you is because you’ve never chosen this yet. You haven’t chosen that,
how I feel matters. To you. You can’t feel good
without me feeling good. Make sense? You guys get this? Audience: Yes. T: If I can’t feel good,
unless you feel good, it’s not gonna feel
like self sacrifice. You see? Because if you feel good
I’m gonna feel good. ~ Deep sign ~ It doesn’t feel like self sacrifice. Do you get that? Ok, so like,
let’s go back to the scenario we’re playing with. If you don’t do the dishes,
given the process we just took, I’m not gonna feel like I’m
self sacrificing in that. Because I now understand why
you don’t want to and can’t. So, here’s your third option; Third option is, either
you put your energy in whatever direction
you want to, and pay for somebody to
do the dishes for you, because what my need is for you
to just take responsibility for it however that
looks to you, I just need to know
it’s gonna be done. And like, if you promise
me it’s gonna be done, you’ve gotta do it. It’s not like, “I promise you.” “psyche I didn’t do it today.” That’s a “hell no” for me. Do you get why? He: Say that last bit again. T: OK, if you’re gonna
take responsibility, so, through this whole process,
if we were in a relationship, you just learned that what the
most important thing for me is, is for you to take the
responsibility for the dishes. That’s our agreement. Right? So, I can’t control when you
do it, or how you do it, that’s up to you. What I really need is to know
that you’re gonna do it. Whether it’s taking responsibility
to get someone else to do it, or doing it yourself
on your own time, I need it to get done. I need to consider that off
my plate and not mine. Does that make sense? Is that something that
you can commit to? He: Yeah. T: Then that’s our third option. So, by having this conversation, now if I give you crap for
it again, it’s my problem. Do you see that? That’s me taking responsibility. I don’t get to give
you crap for it. Because we just agreed that
it’s completely up to you. As long as it’s up to you. But if you don’t do it, that’s
gonna be a huge issue. That’s actually a breach of trust. Does that sound ok or no? He: That sounds ok. T: OK. There you go you guys. We just found our third option. But I can guarantee,
after working with you, you’re not ready for a relationship. ~ Laughter ~ It’s not even an insult, it’s like,
it’s where you are right now. Like, you need autonomy. And lots of it. And to really choose it. Without really guilting yourself
for not being in a relationship. Does that sound doable? He: I can do that. T: OK. Thank you. Transcribed and subtitled by: Tanya Duarte Subtitles by the Amara.org community

100 comments

  1. He is almost literary me! 😮
    (Also from Sweden)

    I want to work on my projects rather then being close to people. I love to be in the flow which is why I have this YouTube channel.

    I have been out on my autonomy journey and almost feel like I can take someone as a part of my best interest. It's still hard. I'm starting to feel like I want to take other people's best interest as mine. Now I tried to get closer but I still get the same feeling of pushing away to work with my projects. My dad is the same. His dad was also the same.

    I'm guessing I should give more closeness when someone wants it from me. As a part of me I will feel like I want to be closer.

    What do you think?
    Someone on the opposite side who can relate?

  2. Thank you for putting this live… I got so much from this discussion. 💛 I learned about my own anxious attachment style, as well as disorganized attachment.

  3. I have recently learned to not give up myself to satisfy someone elses need.

    I get the most guilty feeling doing it because of what my dad taught me (to give myself up) but i let it go and stand my ground.

    I am no longer agreeable and its great and its the key to have both self respect and for others to respect(not like) you.

  4. This video resolved one of my life’s most torturing doubts. What a Christmas present. Can’t express how thankful I am for it. Thank you, Teal. Please please please come to Brazil!

  5. I am confused about my attachment style , because I think I am clingy but when I reach a point of saturation and extreme hurt I cut off completely too.. I do both somewhere . .

  6. Psychopathology
    performed in public.. There are a few things to consider before swallowing the whole Teal-workshop: What kind of teacher are you looking for? Is she treating the people on stage with respect and from a loving attitude? Teal is smart, has lots of knowledge and can refer to lots of already written psychological texts and old wisdom, which touches us in many ways. If you lift your head a bit higher you will notice that she is extremely manipulative and she is not meeting people with love. and compassion. Please see with what she is ACTUALLY meeting people. It is not welcoming, It is not kind. IT is not with a loving heart. But it is manipulative.
    This is psychopathology happening in front of your eyes without noticing.

    I have been to her workshops, been super open and interested, and the TOPICS are very interesting, yet something is not right. That is why I am concerned and why I writing this post.

    Notice how she manipulates conversations, confusing people and is very condescending and belittles people on stage, ..in the applauds of the audience… That is NOT OK. Ask yourselves if you think this is really ok.

    Please be careful of who you choose as a teacher.

    Look for teachers that comes from TRUE LIGHT and LOVE, who treats people with respect and loving attitude, who are compassionate.

    I suppose this is an expression of our age in time.. Kali Yuga. where people cannot see right from wrong.. truth from untruth. Good if people get new insights from the topics she brings up that leads towards self-awareness in her workshop, but be aware, it does not come for a place of compassion!

    Look for teachings born out of true light and love…

    peace out…..

  7. Wow, now I know why I felt so drawn to go to that Stockholm workshop!!! That most powerfully resonates! What struck me when Teal said that women are interested in and motivated by another's pain is the simultaneous realisation that we are completely wasting our time by appealing to a man in sharing our pain. Someone else's pain just does not motivate a man, he only cares about avoiding HIS pain.

  8. Don't think I ever had that "becoming me independently of others" phase. I wonder if it's too late at 43…

  9. Just stumbled from one serving the other commitment into the next, busy befriending my oppressors, and boy am I acing that discipline!!!

  10. Is it possible to somehow relate to the avoidant attachment style, but also feeling abandonment in childhood and having abandonment issues as well? Can the avoidant style stem from abandonment? Like I don't want people to abandon me so I turned myself into the power figure that doesn't hesitate to abandon others? Because then it feels like my free will, and it's a compensation. Maybe I've been taught abandonment is the only way relationships work so instead being the one who's abandoned, I rather choose to do the necessary without harm towards myself, therefore being unable to attach myself to others, and only being able to put myself into the more powerful person – the one who avoids, and leaves. Is that possible or am I reaching? It feels really fucked up, but it makes sense to me. What if I need total and complete closeness AND absolute independency at some point as well. Or is it just that people with the avoidant style actually need the closeness it's just supressed like Teal said, and that's the only reason I feel this way? I don't know it's just that when she said the word "abandonment" it hit me like a brick and I had tears in my eyes so there needs to be a relation to that. But in relationships I choose the avoidant attachment style. Is it the disorganized attachment style? I honestly do feel the need to be close but also to run away as fast as I can. It's just… I feel fucked up, honestly. I can't figure myself out.

  11. So what Does it look like if he opened the door? Sorry if she explains it But I had to ask. I'm always in relationships with avoidants and i want to know what to listen for to know the door us opened and make sure I'm considering his needs. Didn't want to forget my question. Lol.

  12. Love is conditional and a win-win contract!
    You cannot tell others what they should want, it has to be what you want!
    Require men to be unselfish is just naive, you have to be smart enough to test the men and sift out a good man from bad guys!

  13. In spite of the symptoms of avoidance attachment disorder that the guy that was selected revealed, it is blatantly obvious how effortlessly he would fall in love with Teal Swan if she were hypothetically single and absolutely ready to date all over again. This gentleman would psychologically resonate with almost each and every one of Teal's psychological healing techniques in spite of how uncomfortable they will actually feel at first. I love how this guy was becoming so smitten with Teal.

  14. Norway is great and sweden aswell we are vikings we walk free and stand strong for the true. thats my ancestors my famelie.

  15. I can safely predict that 98% of her audience had no clue as to what she was saying,.. nor could comprehend her speech! she needs to bring it way down to our level of thinking, not wherever she's at which I have no clue as to where she really is in her mind.

  16. @28:00 parents who treat children like dolls. @ 32:00 avoidant attachment vs anxious attachment – 34:15 @51:30 intermittent reinforcement pattern. 59:30 healing for both types of attachment styles.

  17. Teal please do a video deep diving into the anxious attachment style. In fact a video on all the attachments styles would be great.

  18. Thank you so much for posting this. You really know what you are talking about. 
    I am glad you voice your opinion when its contrary to the old norms, because yours always make way more sense. Very helpful video. Namaste.

  19. What a banal talk, who invites this banal woman and what idiots come to watch her talk shit, she has absolutly nothing significant to say. People are idiots!

  20. I don’t know how it took me so long to find you but damn it I’m so thankful for that day eventually coming! This is only the first video I’ve watched and I already feel rejuvenated & clear-headed as many of my unanswered questions (if not all) have been answer in the matter of an hour & 30 minutes. Thank you so much Teal!

    (Also your voice is so incredibly easy to listen to! Please come to the UK and I will definitely be there for one of these workshops❤️)

  21. Holy crap!! 😱😊👍🏻🌈🌞🌼 once again friggin mind blown by Teal!! I'm not sure if I have disorganized attachment or anxious attachment…crazy! 😝

  22. Wouah, I recognise myself in this style of attachement, thanks you very much, very eyes-opening ! 🙏

  23. 1:31:13 i love that…i am in that state now too..
    Only after teal said that i felt relief and he too was shaking his head only then with relief..

  24. Once, I met someone who asked me, "What are your needs? Are you thirsty or hungry?" and I was completely blown away. That kind of consideration is favourable, especially when it's consistent, stable, and genuine.

  25. I was watching this video by random chance and was impressed and subbed. Teal, you have amazing insight into what makes people tick…you would make a terrifying partner for someone who doesnt like being open with their feelings 🙂

  26. I can relate to this guy so much..this message that teal gave is for me…the best workshop everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….i cant thanyou enough for posting it..it means a lot..this is the exact same problem i am dealing with

  27. that guy in the chair triggers my anxiety i could literally feel every moment by all accounts he did well .

  28. This hits home for me in so many ways. I feel like I have never learned so much about relationship in my life, and why my relationships have been as they have. Teal, your examples, presentation style and wisdom really works for me to understand how to approach healing. I too feel as though I have been on an Ayahuasca trip my whole life. I have also been diagnosed dyslexic (among other 'disorders') both in childhood and again as an adult. Thank you from the whole of my heart for your work. Thank you. 🙏🏽

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